Reflections on a Not So Happy Holiday Season

Now that we are well into the new year and have transitioned out of the holiday season, I keep thinking about this past December.  As school started back up and we all got back into our routines, the question kept popping up in conversations: “Did you have a good Christmas?”  Our answer was a pretty straight-forward (and some what Grinch-y sounding), “Not really.  It was kind of terrible!”

I’ve shared some posts in the past about my mother-in-law’s battle with Alzheimer’s.  She was living in a care facility for over 6 years and early in December, Hospice came in and informed the family that her health was failing.  So, from that point on, through most of the month, my wife visited with her mom almost every day.  Her brothers who live out-of-state came in for a few days and had an opportunity to spend time with her, with each other and to make plans for her services.  Hospice was keeping her comfortable and a Critical Care Nurse was in the room around the clock.  Nana made it through one more Christmas, but then passed away on December 27.  Her visitation took place on the 29th and she was laid to rest on the 30th.

In the midst of all that, our youngest (six month old) was sick for a few days and we had guys in and out of house repairing the floor in our laundry room, installing a new furnace and putting in new flooring throughout our first floor.

So, all those things kind of took the fun out of the holidays for us this year.  We still enjoyed celebrating Christmas with family who came in and with the extended family we have gained through adoption.  But, we didn’t get to do some of the holiday things we had planned.  The Christmas tree didn’t get put up til about one week before Christmas and our annual New Years Eve celebration with friends didn’t happen.

You probably know the feeling – you approach a certain season of the year (holidays, vacation, a significant celebration, etc.) and have an idea of how you want things to go.  You picture them in your mind and then the reality doesn’t match up with what you were thinking.  That was kind of Christmas for us.

As I look back at it, there a few things I personally took away from our not so happy holiday season.

The Power of Hope.  While we knew that my mother-in-law’s days on this earth were coming to an end, we also knew this wasn’t the end.  Because of her faith in Jesus, we have something to which we can look forward.  That message really came out at her funeral and it was a great reminder of the hope we can have in Jesus.

I loved this quote from Louie Giglio I was able to share at the funeral:  “Perhaps the greatest tragedy of all is to live as if this world is all there is, when God’s promise is for so much more. So make the most of every moment while you’re here. If you see something wrong, seek to fix it, but as you do, know that Jesus is preparing something brand new (and exponentially better) for those who have put their hope in Him. Live like you are headed to forever. Endure like you believe this world will fade, but Jesus will remain.”

Phyllis lived like this world will fade, but Jesus will remain.

The Strength of Family and Friends.  I was able to watch my wife sit and talk with her two brothers and her dad.  I listened as they shared memories about their mom and laugh and cry together.  I saw them hug each other and just support each other through a time of saying goodbye.

I also saw the stream of people who came to the visitation, who attended the funeral, who sent cards, who sent texts, who left Facebook messages, who prepared meals and who called just to check in.

You know in your mind that those relationships are important and needed, but you really come to understand it on a deeper level when you are the recipient of that love and care and concern.

The Beauty and Brevity of Life.  My mother-in-law lived to be almost 80 years old.  Many people would consider that old or a full-life.  I really only knew her in the last season of her life when she became my mother-in-law in 2010.  But hearing and reading stories about her, I came to appreciate how she enjoyed life.  Life is beautiful for sure.

There were a few times as we sat in her room that I was feeding our six month old son.  There, in the same room sitting about 10 feet apart, were two of my family who were at opposite ends of the spectrum of life.  One was just beginning his life; the other was nearing the end of hers.

I thought about all the life she experienced as a daughter, a sister, a student, a wife, a mom, a nurse, a friend.  I thought about what was still in store for our son and all that he had yet to experience, to learn, to discover, to know.

Life is both beautiful and brief.

The Comfort in Memories.  I shared at the funeral that I learned a lot about my mother-in-law through the memories of my wife.  As we went through this season, my wife would share things her mom liked, recipes she would make, things she liked to do, places she liked to go, food she liked to eat, music she liked to hear and so much more.

While I’m sad my wife doesn’t have her mother present with her anymore, I’m grateful she has those memories.

So, it wasn’t a very happy holiday season for us, but there were some good things about it.  In the midst of sadness, we received comfort. Even while shedding tears, I heard the joy of laughter.

While it’s not a season we want to repeat, we know that the hope we have makes all the difference.

When There Are No Words

This week a tragedy hit our community. A young man – a high school senior – lost his life in an automobile accident on the way to school. It appears the rain falling that morning caused him to lose control and hit an electric pole.

School was already in session for the day and the administrators had the heavy responsibility of sharing the news with the student body. I was called along with other pastors and counselors to be present at the school. Once the news was shared, there really wasn’t much left to say. I had a few brief conversations with a handful of students, but nothing that could really touch the shock and sadness they felt.

What I did observe was what happens when there are no words. Students huddled together and talked. Some simply sat and cried. It was unique to watch students support one another. I saw teenage boys, who might usually just give a quick head nod or a “what’s up?” in the hallway, ask each other how they were doing. They offered hugs. Pats on the back. I heard several times, “how are you doing?” and “are you ok?” One student simply walked around with a box of tissues offering them to fellow students.

It is an event that occurs too often in communities everywhere. Young lives are lost and peers are left to sort through their emotions. I was reminded again of what many people call “the ministry of presence.” Words are few, but simply being present begins the process of healing and provides support for those who are grieving.

I appreciated the way the school leadership handled the situation and continue to pray for the family and friends of the young man. Sometimes, in the midst of our hurt, there are no words. But in the midst of pain, God offers comfort and hope.

What’s On My Mind

Normally when I put a post on the blog, it deals with a singular subject.  Maybe a review of a book, an interesting video, something to do with #Hoosiernation or the like.  Today is a hodge-podge or random assortment of a couple of thoughts.  Basically, what’s been on my mind.

A huge part of what’s been consuming thoughts and conversations is my mother-in-law.  Last week my wife, along with her brother and father, had to make the difficult decision to put Cheryl’s mom in a care facility.  She has been struggling with the effects of Alzheimer’s/dementia.  It was a challenge for them to know the best way to care for her and address her issues of confusion about where she was and who she thought was with her.  A spot opened up in a very nice facility, but that lead to a whole host of emotions after they moved her in.  I don’t think any of us were ready for the flurry of loss and sadness that accompanied the decision and subsequent move.  There is a period of no contact for the family members as Cheryl’s mom adjusts to her new living space.  Needless to say it has been tough on them, but many friends have offered their love, care and support.  It has been one of those situations where I wish I had great wisdom and words of comfort to share and yet find myself lacking.

Over the weekend, my aunt (my mother’s sister-in-law) passed away unexpectedly.  We didn’t get together often with mom’s side of the family and, to be honest, I can’t be sure how many years it has been since I’ve seen them.  But, as my mom said on the phone, “It’s family,” so with her passing comes sadness.  On-line obituaries and guest books give an insight into the lives of people.  I feel for my family members who lost a wife, mother, grandma and friend.

In the midst of all that, I have been reminded that some day – maybe not today or tomorrow, but some day – we will be totally healed and restored.  Jesus will make all things new.  Sickness will be gone.  Death will be finally defeated.  Confusion will be banished.  Sadness will be no more.  I need that to be continually on my mind in the midst of life’s bumps and bruises.  It’s easy to become focused on the current struggle.  As we continue to press on, I need to know and cling to the truth that He will make all things new.

Youth Ministry….what an honor! (a repost)

One of the blogs I subscribe to from Doug Fields. He has been involved in youth ministry for many years and has a lot of wisdom to share.

One of the great things about him is that he is relational and really connects with others in youth ministry. His blog post today is a story shared by another guy in youth ministry. Thought is was a great example of why serving in the church is both a challenge and rewarding.

You can see the original post at Doug Field’s blog.

Every once in a while someone will send in an email into our podcast that grips my heart. This one came from Craig Piefer from Walla Walla, WA. I hope it does your heart well like it did mine.

Best moment and worst moment in youth ministry happened last week. Dominic a senior, his sister Elizabeth (a junior) and their little brother Benjamin (8th grade) lost their mom, Peggy, to breast cancer. Elizabeth was home when she passed, but the boys where at school. Their dad Tim, called me directly after calling the paramedics. Tim and I had planned days earlier for me to come and get the kids so they didn’t have to be there as they transferred their mother’s body, but now my task was to pick up Dominic from school and tell him about his mom. I won’t describe that moment, but I will hold it close to my heart forever. The day went on with lots of hugs and crying. Their small group leaders joined me at the kids’ home for more hugging and crying. It was tough. It was beautiful.

Now after that day, after the funeral, after the crying, I have a little time to reflect, and all I can think is this: What an honor. What an honor to have the love and respect of their father. What an honor to be drenched in the tears of students I love so dearly. What an honor to partner with Tim and Peggy in raising whole hearted followers of Christ. What an honor to look into the eyes of Dominic, who in the six years that I have known him has grown into a man, and deliver the worst news possible for a teen to hear. What an honor to be that families pastor. It’s more than words can describe, and I’m sure it sounds weird to many. But for those who have walked this road you know what I mean.

I praise God and even thank Him for calling me to this work, as much as it stresses and frustrates me, it is a blessing to be a pastor to students.