What’s Your Parenting Style?

photo credit: Phuketian.S Khao Sok national park via photopin (license)

I receive regular emails from Growing Leaders and today’s blog post was so interesting to me that I wanted to share it.

There is much written about the Millennial generation and Generation Z, but this article (and the related video) focuses on the parents and identifies potential parenting styles.  The author said in the beginning of the video:

“I believe we not only have a new generation of kids today (referring to Generation Z), we have a new generation of parents.”

The author identifies four different parenting styles and explains the potential hazards of that style of parenting.

1. The Snowplow Parent
2. The Karaoke Parent
3. The Dry Cleaner Parent
4. The Volcano Parent

If you take the time to read the description of each, you may have a name of a parent you know that fits that description.  There may be times where you see yourself in one or more of those styles.  I don’t believe his desire is to demean parents, but rather help us see how we can continue to be better parents to our kids.

In the second paragraph of the article the author writes, “Most parents I meet want to be a good parent. At times, however, we can’t draw the line between mothering and smothering; fathering and bothering.”

Whether you agree with everything he says or not, I think this raises some interesting food for thought for those of us who are parents.

You can read the article What’s Your Parenting Style to see the first four.  There is a form at the bottom of the article which will take you to a page to read the other two styles (a total of six).

There is a video (about 30 minutes long) that you can watch, but also some video notes if you don’t want to watch the entire video.  He does make some interesting observations about Generation Z which might be helpful to consider.

No one is a perfect parent and all of us are learning “on the job.”  Hopefully you will find some value in what is shared about parenting styles.

Want Better SAT Scores? // Try Family Meals

All parents want their children to do well in school. When it comes to moving onto higher education, high school students have to take the ACT or SAT. Some students take the test more than once to try to raise their score. Others do practice tests online or attend classes designed to prepare them for success on the test. I received an email today that pointed to another key to success on the test: Family Dinners.

Tim Elmore of Growing Leaders referenced a couple of studies which show the impact of families having regular meals together. At one point in the post Elmore wrote this: “Students who enjoyed talking over a meal with family members also enjoyed rising scores on standardized tests.”

I did some quick googling about family meals and while there are other factors at work, the general consensus from research is that there is benefit from families that have regular meal times together.

While studying for tests is a plus and there is value in taking prep courses, there is also merit to regular family meals. A study from Cornell University said, “Most studies have found that medium and high levels (i.e., 3 or more days per week) of frequent meals yield the most positive benefits for children.”

The Cornell study concluded with three suggestions:

1. Set a goal to have regular family meals at least three times per week, if possible.

2. Remember the benefits of consistent family mealtimes

3. Don’t forget, quality of family meals is just as important as quantity.

The research on family meals shows that regular family meals impact relationships within the family, increase academic achievement, help with overall health and nutrition among other things. Take some time during the week to sit together with your family and share a meal. While juggling busy schedules can be a challenge, regular meal times show a lot of benefit.

The Winsomeness of Humility

About two weeks ago I received an email from Growing Leaders that talked about one quality that Boomers and Millennials must develop. This blog post is not about either Millennials or Boomers or the differences between the two.

( ( However, if you haven’t seen You’ve Gotta Love Millenials you must take three minutes to watch it. ) )

Back to the original topic . . .

In the article this one phrase kind of jumped out at me: Attitudes speak louder than words. . . don’t underestimate the winsomeness of humility.

Winsomeness is defined as sweetly or innocently charming; winning; engaging.

There is something charming, winning and engaging about a person who demonstrates humility.

We see a lot of acts that don’t demonstrate humility: athletes that draw attention to themselves after making a big play, artists who strive to keep the spotlight on themselves, public figures who make it a habit of keeping their faces on camera. We can probably all think of a time when we were turned off by arrogant behavior – a lack of humility.

We might also be able to bring to mind a time when we were attracted to humility. Someone did something solely for the benefit of someone else and stayed out of the limelight. It could be as simple as paying for meal of the person behind you in the drive-thru line or leaving a circle of friends at lunch time to sit with someone who was eating alone.

There is something attractive, beautiful, even winsome about humility.

In his book Chase the Lion Mark Batterson shares this story of Booker T. Washington.

Washington was in Iowa and had spent the day speaking to packed rooms at four different gatherings. He was the keynote speaker, the center of attention, the one everyone in town came to see.

While in the hotel lobby where he was staying, Washington was mistaken for one of the hotel staff. A woman asked him for a glass of water. His response: he got her a drink and then asked, “Is there anything else I can get for you?”

What a great example of the winsomeness of humility.

I don’t know if the woman in the hotel lobby that day was ever told who it was that got her that glass of water. But it seems that Booker T. Washington didn’t care.

In the Growing Leaders article, this advice was given: Ask questions. Listen well. Develop a hungry mind. Talk about others more than yourself. Seek out good books and mentors. Show me you’re good, don’t tell me.

Imagine how our schools, churches and workplaces would change if we all followed that advice and sought to demonstrate humility.

“affluenza”

I’ve posted in the past about information shared through Tim Elmore’s Growing Leaders blog. Today, I learned a new word – affluenza.

I guess it has been around for a while (since the 1990’s) and refers to a condition in which children — generally from rich families — have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, make excuses for poor behavior, and sometimes dabble in drugs and alcohol. Elmore references a court case where affluenza was used as a defense by a man who hit and killed four people with his truck.

I have copied Elmore’s blog below regarding this “condition.” As I read his thoughts, it kind of hit me from two sides. First, as a parent, am I or have I been guilty of contributing to this “condition” in my own kids? Also, as one who works with students on a regular basis, where do I see this showing up? Interesting to think through.

You can read Elmore’s thought on his Growing Leaders blog and offer your comments as well.

Some journalists are using a term when speaking about parents and the problems they have raising their kids today. It’s called “affluenza.” At the court hearing for a tragic auto accident in Texas, where teenager Eric Couch hit and killed four people with his truck, the defense attorneys cited “affluenza” (when one is raised with wealth and never given limits) as the cause for his crime. He’s been sentenced to ten years of probation. The term “affluenza” was popularized in the late 1990s by Jessie O’Neill, in her book “The Golden Ghetto: The Psychology of Affluence.” It has since been used to describe a condition in which children—generally from rich families— have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, make excuses for poor behavior, and sometimes dabble in drugs and alcohol.

Like a disease, affluence, or living as if you have it, can harm a child as they’re growing up. Today, moms are sending birthday invitations out, with a gift registry inside the card, letting guests know where and what gifts to buy their child. Many parents assume they are “poor parents” if they don’t provide their children everything they want.

Obviously, when the bar is set this high, a child’s sense of entitlement increases. They start believing they deserve all the latest gadgets, tablets, smart phones, name brand clothes, expensive tutors and coaches, and costly vacations that are always better than last year’s.

What we’re finding is—this “afflluenza” begins translating into the notion that students deserve good grades just because they showed up, especially if mom and dad paid for this expensive school. Some college students have even sued their alma mater for not guaranteeing a job when they graduated.

I do not claim to be a parenting expert. I develop students and student leaders. But allow me to comment and offer some common sense.

We live in a day of “encore problems.” We expose our kids to so much so early in their life that it becomes difficult to engage them as they move into adolescence. They have been on trips and vacations; they’ve attended amazing ballgames, and they own incredible technology by middle school. What more is there to experience when they grow up? The problem is, the “more” they want is probably unhealthy.

Parents and teachers must navigate this “affluenza.” We must figure out how to pace our students, exposing them to measured amounts of possessions, and appropriate experiences as they mature. Often, they get exposed to things today before they’re emotionally ready for them. Most elementary kids have watched a sex scene on TV, on a computer, or at the movies. Most have watched violent acts and murders, and seen people do illegal drugs. It’s tantalizing.

What To Do

In his latest book, David and Goliath, Malcolm Gladwell discusses how difficult it is to lead kids today, when there is too little or too much money. Obviously, a family living below the poverty line finds it difficult to raise kids well, because their focus is mere survival. They are living paycheck to paycheck. On the other hand, upper middle class and wealthy families find parenting hard because they cannot honestly say to their children who beg them for a new iPhone: “We can’t afford that.” That moment requires an emotional conversation, where the parent explains to the child why it’s helpful to learn to delay gratification.

Yeah. Good luck with that conversation.

The research tells us that an income of about $70,000 is the median income, to make parenting neither too hard because of poverty or too hard due to wealth. Outside of those lines, we will have to learn to pace our kids. This means our job may change:

Pace the sequence of possessions and experiences, allowing for a bigger and better one, as they mature. For instance, you might plan a trip across the state for them in elementary school, a trip across the U.S. when they’re in middle school, and a trip overseas when they’re in high school.

Don’t fall into the trap of comparisons. Other parents may win brownie points with their kids because they give them too much, too soon. Those kids are “wowed” in the moment, but are over-exposed and may have difficulty managing expectations as young adults. Do what’s right, not what’s popular.

Always have a reason for every “gift” (possession, experience, trip, etc.) that you give your child. Have a plan, to progress into bigger and better “gifts” in the future. I even explained my plan to my kids by the time they reached fifth grade. They realized there was a method to my madness and they “got it.”
Prepare to have meaningful conversations with your young people. Get ready for emotional exchanges as they learn to wait, to listen, to handle envy of their friends, and to save up their own money, perhaps, before getting what they want. This is what maturity is all about.

Just remember, leading students is a marathon not a sprint. In fact, it’s a pace, not a race. Pace yourself. Pace your kids.

Real Test Answers, Really

On his Growing Leaders blog, Tim Elmore posted these real answers that students put on exams. The answers are from middle school, high school and college students. Many are quite creative and will provide a good chuckle for your day.

I think my favorites are numbers 1 and 2, although you have to wonder what the teacher thought when reading these responses.

 

1. Biology class: Name six animals that live specifically in the arctic.

A: Two polar bears and four seals.

2. Chemistry class:  What is a nitrate?

A: It is much cheaper than a day rate.

3. Business and Technology class: Explain the phrase “free press.”

A: When your mom irons your pants for you.

4. Biology class discussion about veins: What is the meaning of the word “varicose”?

A: Close by.

5. Physics: Is the sun or the moon more important?

A: The moon gives us light at night when we need it. The sun only provides light in the day when we don’t need it. Therefore, the moon is more important.

6. Earth science: Over the last fifty years there has been a significant change in the concentration of carbon dioxide. Give a reason for this.

A: It’s easily distracted.

7. Business management class: What is a partnership?

A: A ship that takes two people to drive.

8. Biology class: What does “terminal illness” mean?

A: When you become ill at the airport.

9. Business: Define the term “stakeholder.”

A: Someone who hunts vampires. Buffy being the most famous.

10. Athletic Application: Church preference?

A: Red brick.

Words for Parents as Kids Perform

When my kids were younger, I would volunteer to coach their teams. Like a lot of parents, I’ve coached YMCA basketball and soccer teams, “Paw Ball” basketball in Indiana, Upward basketball here in Ohio and was a “band parent” when my son was in marching band. I’ve also been through the transition of moving from primary coach to a cheering parent on the sidelines or in the stands.

I thought what Tim Elmore shared in a recent post was great advice for parents. He wrote about what parents should say as they watch their kids perform and it would be worth your time to read the whole post.

If you’ve been to sporting events, you probably have a long list of what parents shouldn’t say as they watch their kids. In the post, based on psychological research, the three healthiest statements moms and dads can make as they perform are:

Before the Competition:
1. Have fun.
2. Play hard.
3. I love you.

After the competition:
1. Did you have fun?
2. I’m proud of you.
3. I love you.

Then he shared six simple words that parents should say based on what they heard from college athletes: “I love to watch you play.” If we could keep that as the primary part of our vocabulary, it would free the students to perform and the parents to cheer.

Video Games in Real Life

I’ve had this email sitting in my Inbox for almost two weeks now. It’s a story that perhaps you have already seen, but for some reason I was shocked/amazed by it. Basically it’s the story of a college student who wanted to live out the video game Grand Theft Auto. The student stole a vehicle, kidnapped a young lady and then drove the stolen truck like a person would while playing the game.

This post isn’t railing against the video game GTA or against video games in general. It’s more of a fascination with someone who actually takes the step to bring the made up world of a video game into the real world. There have been other events in the news that have connections with video games.

It’s a pretty strong reminder that we become like the people/activities with whom we spend most of our time. 1 Corinthians 15:33 reminds us, “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”” This is an example that this student spent too much time with bad company.

Here’s the article that appeared on Tim Elmore’s Growing Leaders Blog. You can read Tim’s thoughts on his post about the student’s actions.

You may not believe this, unless you heard it on the news last Wednesday.

A 20-year old college student and lacrosse player at Auburn University was arrested in Baton Rouge, LA on several counts of reckless driving and hit and run accidents—after he ran into a wall with a stolen car and was arrested by police. Zachary Burgess now faces charges of auto theft, simple kidnapping and nine counts of hit and run.

His reason for doing this?

During questioning, Burgess allegedly told an officer that he “wanted to see what it was really like to play the video game Grand Theft Auto.”